He's Gone (I'm Gone)
by BriannaKent
Summary: Dick receives the worst news an elder brother can get. Warning for depression, panic attacks, and suicidal ideation.
1. chapter 1

"Richard, you need to come home. master Jaso-" I could hear Alfred swallow what disturbingly sounded like sob then try again. "Your brother is dead."

No,no,no. This can't be happening!

"You-you should give your goodbyes, we buried him last Saturday, but you should still pay your respects."

I tried to speak but all I could do was stare at the wall ahead of me, tears running down my face. Alfred was talking, whether he was comforting me, giving me details of Jason's death, or simply giving directions I didn't know couldn't hear it over the roaring in my head.

I had known something had happened, that something was wrong, I just didn't want to believe it. Didn't want to admit that that sick twisted feeling in my gut, had been there before every horrible thing had ever happened to me. Before my parents fell, before that time Bruce dragged himself to mansion with his gut cut open, before two face beat me to hell and Bruce fired me. Sometimes I was able to stop the worst from happening, but not this time I wasn't even there this time. I wonder if I could have stopped it if I was here, if I had stayed home and let the others deal with Tamaran would Jason be here today? I was spiraling I knew it but I didn't know, no I didn't want it to stop. I wanted it to be a dream, a nightmare, scarecrow's gas, anything but reality.

And then there was a gentle hand on my shoulder, I looked up to see Kory smiling gently and motioning for me to give her the phone. I did mutely, and moved to the couch. Listening to her idly.

"Hello? Alfred? I see. Yes, I'll get him there. Yes, I'll watch him. Hmn. Yes, watch yourself as well, we'll be right there, I just need to tell Vic and Donna where we're going. Farewell to you too."

And suddenly she was in front of me.

"Dick? Honey? I need you to get to the T-Jet, I'll be right there, I'm just telling everyone where we're going." She said giving me a sad smile. I returned it as best as I could with a chest this cold. She patted my knee encouragingly.

"Right, yeah…" I said nodding and shifting to my feet.

I don't remember walking to the jet, just that I was in the pilot's seat when Kory got back, she forced me to move saying I was in no shape to fly. Looking back she was right, but I didn't know that then.

"You should get some rest it will take us a bit to get there." Kory said as she started the engines.

"I don't think I can Kory" I say. She just hums at me and I scowl at the night sky as we lift off. I am quickly asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Why didn't I tell him to go home? Why...

Losing a sibling hurts more than you can explain, losing a child is... well it's worse. But losing someone who's both, and yet neither, that's a whole different kind of pain.

My regrets have piled up over the years, I live with them I have to, but that, that... letting my little brother, my baby die because I was feeling the effects empty nest syndrome? Because I was having a hard time giving him back to Bruce and wanted to spend time with him? We could have had movie night, not face off against his mother's terrorists! I just can't forgive that.

I've been doing my best to move on, make this world a better a place, that's what I do after all, I'm the only one in this shitty family to try and make a brighter future instead of wallowing in the darkness of the past, but I've been failing to say the least. I don't think anyone's noticed, but it isn't like this left anyone unharmed, we're all grieving. And it's not like I deserve any special treatment, he wasn't my kid, not really, that's Bruce's role. I'm the one who got him killed anyway.

I know this yet I'm still hoping this will kill me so I can see him again, oh mom and dad too that'd be nice. Oh, right I forgot to mention that, didn't I? I was captured by the Crime Syndicate, honestly, I'm not sure how long ago now, but they hooked me up to this "murder machine". I know they think I can't escape this, I also know I've seen Bruce do far more amazing things, but deep in my gut I also know that lately... we've been losing more than we're winning. And I want this I really do, I know it's just the depression speaking but I'm just so tired, I'm not sure I can fight this fight much longer.

"Please... listen to me... you still have time to get yourself out of here" I'm whispering frantically, Bruce isn't listening though instead just answers back harshly "I'm not leaving you Dick. I am NOT abandoning you."

I feel all the hope leave me at those words.

"You aren't Bruce, you never have" I say I can't stop thinking "I wish you would" though, but happy endings just aren't something we get in this family, even if they're the twisted dreams of the hopeless.

All hell breaks loose, and even as Lex is killing me I know I won't be getting what I want, I will be living another day. As my heart is beating is it's last I pray to God that He'll hold Dami tonight since I won't be.


End file.
